Angst... oh, angst...

[framlingem]

Hi All,

Made a really, really huge decision today. Life-changing type one. And the
first really big decision that ended up not going the way my parents thought
was best (it took me a year to make the decision - of course I've not
thought about it, Mum! Geez), and they aren't taking it well.

Bizarre. I felt all light and free for the first time in ages today, like
the air suddenly changed density... and then I told my mother and thigs went
downhill. She was verbally supportive, but her body language was all tense
and slumpy and she asked me to please not talk to her for at least half an
hour.

My own words don't really describe how I'm feeling right now, so I'm going
to borrow other people's. All these words are copied from various songs - so
not mine.




He said 'Bill I believe this is killing me!'
as the smile ran away from his face.
'And I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place'.
When I cry I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
Oh the salt inside my body ruins
Everything I come close to
My heart is barely hanging by a thread
I've got a good father
And his strength is what makes me cry
I've got a good mother
And her voice is what keeps me here.
But how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know you were born to fly?
Burn the land and boil the see
You can't take the sky from me
See I'm lonely
But I don't need you
To tell me
How to make it through
Please don't hold me so close
I want you to need me
Holy water in my lungs
And I am overcome
A million mile fall from grace
Thank God we missed the ground
I'm stumbling in again
I'm so smart
Too bad i can't get anything figured out
And if I don't make it
Know that I've loved you all along
(we hardly talked)
Mama... didn't mean to make you cry
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
(alleluia, alleluia)
We'll love you
Just the way you are
If you're perfect
As you pray in your darkness
For wings to set you free
You are bound to your silent legacy
Cut steel wired into water
Thicks links circumnavigate
Old men see your sons and daughters
No longer, no longer hesitate
we came, we saw, we conquered and crumbled...
Now the sky's a little smaller
And it doesn't feel like home

... Or am i standing still?


And there's a whole bunch more I could say, but I won't. I'm craving
physical contact, but I can't make myself ask for it, and I've spent so much
time doing the 'I'm fine don't touch me' routine that i can't break it any
more.

The decision, btw, was to not finish my DEC. To spend one semester at CEGEP
taking classes I enjoy to up my average and go to a good university doing
something I love, rather than spend a miserable year and a half with a low,
disinterested average to get a degree recognised only in the one place I
never want to live in again.




It's strange. I love and hate Quebec with a ferocity that startles me with
its intenseness. I love the quiet woods and ancient hills and glorious
cities... but the air carries with it an immense weight, sometimes. I want
nothing more than to get out.

I haven't been able to write a poem, even angsty cathartic ones, in a long
while now. The 'I would gladly suffer ego-death/To walk among the stars'
line is holding true. I would give anything for something different, but I
have no clue what. I'm so lonely right now that it's physically painful...
but i don't want to get close to anyone because I'm convinced I'll hurt
them. Only the people I care about have the ability to hurt me, so my brain
twists that the other way - if I don't let people care, i can't hurt them.

I've caught myself thinking about just driving into the ditch at high speeds
recently. I haven't done it (obviously), and I don't want to - but the fact
that the idea itself is back scares me. I'm not in pain - at least, not the
kind I've had before, but I'm someplace I hate - it's despair mixed with
lacklusterness - the world seems bleached. I had a nightmare again last
night, one I haven't had in months, where I'm sitting on a white bench under
an apple tree on top of a green hill, alone, and nothing happens.

I've been constantly reminded of my worst fear recently. I'm terrified that
all the people I care about will die before I do. Selfish, yes. But I can't
help it. I hate being lonely and disconnected from everything. And three
weeks ago, stomach cancer took a friend from me, and a week before that a
friend of mine lost his own dad, and two of my great-uncles had strokes this
year, and it seems there's death everywhere i look these days. I don't fear
my own death, but the death of others I hate.



I don't know what I think any more. I know I've made the right decision
about the whole DEC thing, but by doing it I've hurt the people I care
about.

I'm not really looking for advice here. Just knowing that people might read my rant has helped- and putting it into words has helped me figure it out. I
think I'll go outside and watch the patterns my breath makes in the orange
light of the streetlamp for a while.

Comments

Re: DECs

[rogueviolinist2.livejournal.com]

Actually, I have a friend from camp who lived in Montreal, which means I actually know what CEGEP is. I was actually going to call her when I was last there, and tell her I was in town to see "some ocean thing," but I never got around to it. And I'm not sure if her family still has the same phone number. She went to McGill so she indeed did her two years of CEGEP, and she changed majors in the middle of school so she did two years of CEGEP then I think five years of university. Urrrgggh.