(no subject)
Dec. 9th, 2004 01:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
framlingemAnd she asks me
why I'm quiet.
And he tells me
my mouth only is happy.
And he buys me a drink
And I tell him
it's okay
I'll be fine, someday.
... I feel like I've been pretending, recently. Like the Brad Pitt character in "A River Runs Throught It" who is happy happy happy all the time because he's afraid to admit he isn't.
I'm not unhappy.
Just... not happy, either, really. Lately I've been a bit spaced out, numb, like one of my really spacy days but toned down a lot, so that I can actually function without people thinking I'm stoned. (I wind up staying home on my spacy days, because it's no fun to be told 'man, you were stoned yesterday!')
It's just... everything. The world is shouting at me all of a sudden recently, and my papers sucked, and I'm going to Montreal for Christmas so that my mother can look disapproving every time I put food in my mouth, because I'm simply not trying (I only feel fat at home, and it's the only place anyone ever implies I'm ugly), and my friend M has HIV and I know people live like twenty-five years with it now, but how many people are done living at forty-six, and I don't know how I'm going to readjust again to living in a house which nearly killed me next summer, even though I love the people in it very much, and how the hell am I going to avoid The Ex when we have friends in common that I very much want to see, and will I be able to get a job because my French has gone downhill, it's not as quick anymore, and will I be able to get back to St. John's next summer for one of the festivals? And what if Ollie the new bird doesn't like me?
It's more than I can bear right now, I think. *tilts at windmills*
why I'm quiet.
And he tells me
my mouth only is happy.
And he buys me a drink
And I tell him
it's okay
I'll be fine, someday.
... I feel like I've been pretending, recently. Like the Brad Pitt character in "A River Runs Throught It" who is happy happy happy all the time because he's afraid to admit he isn't.
I'm not unhappy.
Just... not happy, either, really. Lately I've been a bit spaced out, numb, like one of my really spacy days but toned down a lot, so that I can actually function without people thinking I'm stoned. (I wind up staying home on my spacy days, because it's no fun to be told 'man, you were stoned yesterday!')
It's just... everything. The world is shouting at me all of a sudden recently, and my papers sucked, and I'm going to Montreal for Christmas so that my mother can look disapproving every time I put food in my mouth, because I'm simply not trying (I only feel fat at home, and it's the only place anyone ever implies I'm ugly), and my friend M has HIV and I know people live like twenty-five years with it now, but how many people are done living at forty-six, and I don't know how I'm going to readjust again to living in a house which nearly killed me next summer, even though I love the people in it very much, and how the hell am I going to avoid The Ex when we have friends in common that I very much want to see, and will I be able to get a job because my French has gone downhill, it's not as quick anymore, and will I be able to get back to St. John's next summer for one of the festivals? And what if Ollie the new bird doesn't like me?
It's more than I can bear right now, I think. *tilts at windmills*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 02:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 04:05 am (UTC)As for French... I don't know what to tell you there as I think Québec is about the only province that uses it more than English... Therefore it stands to reason up in Newfoundland you'd lose your French skills. *shrug*
no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 04:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 06:40 am (UTC)Check your e-mail!
no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 07:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 12:45 pm (UTC)In the meantime (((HUGS))) for you.
Cause I luv ya, and you are special! :o)
no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 02:44 pm (UTC)*hug*
no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 09:47 pm (UTC)She's definitely a she, then?
no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 04:50 am (UTC)And she won't try to kill you either. She doesn't interact very much. Occaisionally chirps when we come home...
no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 06:39 pm (UTC)Yup. That's what I think.
We have fun, just ask Mpulse.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 09:52 pm (UTC)I do want to see my Mum again, and my Dad, and meet the new boid, and DEFINITELY I want to see my little sister, who is getting cooler every day.
"We came here all the way from Buffalo, New York, and that's a long way from Canada!" - from "The Mountie Song" ;)
It's not Christmas so much as it's next summer... May through August seems like such a long time. I do need to spend it in Montreal (aforementioned sister is graduating from high school, which I refuse to miss, I have a good friend getting married), and I did consider finding an apartment rather than living with my folks, bu the simple fact is that living with my folks, my rent will be a helluva lot less and include food, and economically that's it for me.
However, if the two of you fancy spending some time in Montreal next summer, I make an excellent tour guide, all up on the history an' stuff.