oh, the angst...

[framlingem]

Unsent Letter to My Mother
(March 28th, 2003)


You make my shoulders ache
And my lips bleed
Where I've bitten it
To keep from hurting you.
You make the walls close in
And you make my part of the sky fall.
You make me feel hollow
And overflowing at the same time.
You pluck the feathers from my wings
You block the breath in my throat
I can't even whisper.
My walls don't keep you out
But they keep me in
You show me my future
And I'm not in it.
I'm there curled in the corner
Cringing away from you
Because you make me hurt.
The tears that fill me up are drowning me
And I choke on the words I can't say.
I lash out
And the look on your face
Tells me how sad I make you
Never ever enough.
The pressure's too much for me
I can't take it
Let me bleed
Let me hurt
Make me hate you
And keep you beyond arm's length
So that you can't hurt me anymore.
Let me fly far away
So fast and high
(escape velocity reached - never coming back)
But I'm slowing down
You brake me (break me)
Into little pieces that quiver
Tell me what I could have been if only -
If only I was you
You are sad
You are tied to the ground
and sinking
And dragging me with you
And tell me with the words you don't say
That I weigh you down
Dead weight
And useless
I owe you for carrying me this far
Kicking and screaming to walk on my own
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
And bruises heal with time -
But your presence
Makes the air grow heavy
And it crushes me.


I'll have to come up with something more appropriate for Mother's Day, because I'm poor and need to make something this year - but right now I just can't.