(no subject)

Just watched this week's "House". The patient was a pregnant woman (well, and her foetus too. But he was very quiet.)

And, you know? It's weird. I think this is the patient who has affected me the most, right up there with the homeless woman with rabies in season one who absolutely broke my heart.

It's weird because one of the things I have never, ever wanted to be is a mother. I never carted a doll around when I was a child. I have never pictured myself with a baby. Not ever. It's just not one of my goals. It's a laudable thing to raise a child, yes - one of the mightiest tasks there is, and I have nothing but respect for those who undertake it - but so's being a firefighter, if on a different scale, and that's not something I want to do either.

I figure, I have better things to give the world than my genetic material. Frankly, my sister got all the good chromosomes. Okay, so my features are even and fairly well-proportioned, and my hair is curly, but I'm also short and fat with a dicky thyroid gland and a tendency towards mental illness. The short and fat don't bother me, but I wouldn't inflict the other two on anyone, let alone someone I'd wind up loving. There's also the pretty certain knowledge that I would not be a very good mother as I am (maybe one day I will have grown into a person who WOULD be a good mother. As I am now? No.)

I have a lot of family, see? There's my Mum and Dad, and lifelongmanic, who aren't family I chose (but to be honest, given a line-up of immediate family to choose from, I'd pick them any day of the week that ends in a Y. They've got their flaws, but on the whole they love me and I love them, and that's all I really need). There's all the extended family in the U.K., too.

But... there's also the McK's and all the other St-Bruno Anglos who immigrated the same time my parents did, who are my uncles and aunts and cousins in every way that matters. There's Claire - when her mother put her into my arms for the first time and said, "c'est ta tante Em" (this is your Auntie Em), that felt so right I nearly cried. There's quiva, and scrunchions, and Vic and Mariko, and they are family I chose and who recognise that I am flawed and broken in some ways, and that I have vices, and love me anyway, even though sometimes I can be very hard to love because I push people away.

I have a lot of family. The woman in the House episode didn't - all she had was this baby. But - and I think this is the reason she affected me so strongly - she was terrified of losing her family. I've been lonely. It's awful. And I can empathise with the terror of being lonely again, especially after one has experienced not being lonely.

I don't want to lose a single family member - that includes the ones I was born to, and the ones I have chosen. I love you all very much.