Total Awesomeness

I am SO very glad I didn't skip off Environmental Studies today. (The main reason for this was I overslept on Tuesday, and I felt bad about missing two classes in a week - not because of any desire to actually go to the class. When I do, I usually sleep/read the textbook. Nicki, this is a secret :p No telling Mum about Big Sister's lack of work ethic, because Big Sister is running an A in this class despite skipping - or maybe because of it! lol)

At any rate, Prof. Quayle C. wasn't there (and won't be there next week either, so I have three more hours free next week! Yay!), so the (cute and intelligent but totally unattainable) TA introduced our guest speaker, who is a biologist with ACRE (http://www.swgc.mun.ca/acre/ - can't do that nifty link thing).

This is precisely the kind of work I'd love to do, and oh yes, they take students to work over the summers, doing river inventories and stuff. How awesome is that? So I stayed to chat with her afterwards, and sold myself, and somewhere along the line Guiding got mentioned, and it turns out she's a Brownie Guider, how cool, and she took my email address and is going to give it the Comissioner for the region and see if I can go camping and stuff.

Squee!

(And the job's right here in Corner Brook, which will make finding a place to live over the summer SO much easier, if I get it.)

Job options so far:

ACRE (inventorying or working a kid's program)
Gros Morne (anything I can get)
L'Anse-aux-Meadows (as bilingual tour guide)
Coles (because, you know, books)

Being a bilingual Environmental Studies student is a GOOD thing when searching for a job in a unilingual province which gets a lot of its money from ecotourism. Yepyep.

(no subject)

Hockey game tonight.

Student rate - 3 bucks. (plus at least that much for my beer! Yum.)

Sweet.

hockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockey!

You want to know why

The main reason is that I'm a coward. I just don't have the courage to tell you what I have to, because I do care about you, despite what I did, and I did what I did because I didn't want to hurt you.

So I guess this is 'official'.

I can't give you what would make you happy forever, and you can't give me what would mae me happy forever. We'd love each other, but one of us would have to give up something else we love dearly - and so one of us wouldn't be truly happy.

You're like an oak - big and beautiful and strong and deeply rooted, and to uproot you would hurt you. I'm more like... oh, a migratory bird, cliched as that is, and I just can't stay in one place.

But that's the future. I can't give you what you enjoy in the present - someone to touch and hold. I can't be with you, and you don't deserve that. There's someone out there wh can give you everything I can't - commitment, stability, all the little touching things. She's beautiful and intelligent, and probably has a yen for Mercdes Lackey and Rumiko Takahashi, and she'll let you stroke her and enjoy your chivalry. That's what you need that I can't give you.

And what do I need? I need someone who'll admit that I can open my own doors and carry my own bags, someone I can be quiet with, who doesn't need to be touching me. Don't get me wrong - you are wonderful and funny and good to be with, but eventualy you'd have realised that I'm emotionally crippled when it comes to any physical aspects of a relationship. It is NOT your fault. I love hugs, big firm ones, but that's about all I can stand.

I loved dancing with you this summer, for the short time we danced, but you can't dance with a ghost, and I'm happier dancing alone so that I can't step on anyone's toes.

I apologise for making this public, but I want to be completely honest, and for me that means admitting to everyone that I've been cruel in my cowardice, and I hate that I've done that. I hate that I've probably cost myself your friendship, and that my fear of hurting you probably hurt you worse. I hate that every sad song on the radio accuses me, bcause face it, I'm the bitch.

And I am so sorry.