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Feb. 13th, 2003
People Say I'm Crazy
Feb. 13th, 2003 09:38 pmAnd I'm startin' to believe them, throwing it all away for something I don't know...
I tried today to explain to my mother exactly why I want to go so far away to school. I have a house (hasn't really felt like home for a while now) here, family here, friends here, resources here, a life here. And I want to go to some place on the coast, days away from everyone I know, where nobody has even heard of most of the things used to identify myself here.
I have an identity here, and it weighs on me so heavily sometimes it crushes me. I'm from a town generally known for being one of the richest in Québec - so people assume I'm rich and a snob. I went to a special program in high school, so people assume I'm an elitist. I'm English... and that's a difficulty all alone that's difficult to explain to anyone who doesn't live here. I'm Ann and Mike's daughter, and Nicki's sister, and so few recognise me as being me, and not by how I'm related to the people they know. 'Oh, I know you! You're Ann's daughter, the eldest... not Nicki, oh, the other one!'
I want more than anything to escape the identity placed upon me so I can figure out if I really am the person I think I am, or whether that person was just a reflection of how people see me. I think I'm intelligent, resourceful, creative, and easy-going... but I was brought up to be easy-going and polite and generally threatened with repercussions if I wasn't, if I said anything not socially acceptable. I'm the last person I thought would ever have an identity crisis! I've always known who I am, and I've known that who I am is a good person to be for at least three years now. I'm sensitive, and it's okay to cry in the movies and when I'm hurt and when I'm sad, and it doesn't matter if I cry where people can see me because the people who love me won't get angry. I know that.
Another reason I want to go so far away, that I'd never tell my mother in a zillion years, is to get away from her. She loves me very much, too much sometimes. She's always there, just over my shoulder, watching out for me. I want to fall. I need to hit the ground and hurt myself every so often, or I'll forget how to keep my balance without someone holding me up.
I want to find myself, as clichéd as that is. It's like there's something in me getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and the constraints of what I am now are putting an almost unbearable pressure on it.
I so want to be consequence free.
I tried today to explain to my mother exactly why I want to go so far away to school. I have a house (hasn't really felt like home for a while now) here, family here, friends here, resources here, a life here. And I want to go to some place on the coast, days away from everyone I know, where nobody has even heard of most of the things used to identify myself here.
I have an identity here, and it weighs on me so heavily sometimes it crushes me. I'm from a town generally known for being one of the richest in Québec - so people assume I'm rich and a snob. I went to a special program in high school, so people assume I'm an elitist. I'm English... and that's a difficulty all alone that's difficult to explain to anyone who doesn't live here. I'm Ann and Mike's daughter, and Nicki's sister, and so few recognise me as being me, and not by how I'm related to the people they know. 'Oh, I know you! You're Ann's daughter, the eldest... not Nicki, oh, the other one!'
I want more than anything to escape the identity placed upon me so I can figure out if I really am the person I think I am, or whether that person was just a reflection of how people see me. I think I'm intelligent, resourceful, creative, and easy-going... but I was brought up to be easy-going and polite and generally threatened with repercussions if I wasn't, if I said anything not socially acceptable. I'm the last person I thought would ever have an identity crisis! I've always known who I am, and I've known that who I am is a good person to be for at least three years now. I'm sensitive, and it's okay to cry in the movies and when I'm hurt and when I'm sad, and it doesn't matter if I cry where people can see me because the people who love me won't get angry. I know that.
Another reason I want to go so far away, that I'd never tell my mother in a zillion years, is to get away from her. She loves me very much, too much sometimes. She's always there, just over my shoulder, watching out for me. I want to fall. I need to hit the ground and hurt myself every so often, or I'll forget how to keep my balance without someone holding me up.
I want to find myself, as clichéd as that is. It's like there's something in me getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and the constraints of what I am now are putting an almost unbearable pressure on it.
I so want to be consequence free.
