Angst... oh, angst...

Hi All,

Made a really, really huge decision today. Life-changing type one. And the
first really big decision that ended up not going the way my parents thought
was best (it took me a year to make the decision - of course I've not
thought about it, Mum! Geez), and they aren't taking it well.

Bizarre. I felt all light and free for the first time in ages today, like
the air suddenly changed density... and then I told my mother and thigs went
downhill. She was verbally supportive, but her body language was all tense
and slumpy and she asked me to please not talk to her for at least half an
hour.

My own words don't really describe how I'm feeling right now, so I'm going
to borrow other people's. All these words are copied from various songs - so
not mine.

( Angsty poetry-type thing )

And there's a whole bunch more I could say, but I won't. I'm craving
physical contact, but I can't make myself ask for it, and I've spent so much
time doing the 'I'm fine don't touch me' routine that i can't break it any
more.

The decision, btw, was to not finish my DEC. To spend one semester at CEGEP
taking classes I enjoy to up my average and go to a good university doing
something I love, rather than spend a miserable year and a half with a low,
disinterested average to get a degree recognised only in the one place I
never want to live in again.


( More angst )

I don't know what I think any more. I know I've made the right decision
about the whole DEC thing, but by doing it I've hurt the people I care
about.

I'm not really looking for advice here. Just knowing that people might read my rant has helped- and putting it into words has helped me figure it out. I
think I'll go outside and watch the patterns my breath makes in the orange
light of the streetlamp for a while.

good things

I am determined to pull myself out of my funk. I need to be able to smile at work tomorrow. So, I'm going to list good things that have happened recently, and totally ignore the bad ones.

I am finished with math forever. I've completed all college-level courses except Cal 3, which I don't need.

I've figured out what I want to do.

The college agreed to partially fund my trip to New Hampshire next June to study humpback whales, and has agreed to loan me the $7000 camera. They've done the same thing for my 'boreal forest ecology in winter' project in February.

Santa Claus came to Sparks.

A mentally disabled kid I babysit's speech has improved amazingly, as has his coordination. He came running to me last night, shouting 'Em-ly! Em-ly!' and told me all about school. I couldn't get him to shut up!

I did an entire course (normally taught over a week) in three hours, and got an 89%.

I took a MENSA test. It went well.

Someone gave me 'Tuck Everlasting' for Christmas. I've been looking for it for ages.

I found out Spider's writing another Callahan book.

I saw the Two Towers and was blown away.

I finalised travel plans for England.

I came closer to finalising travel plans for the Rat convention in Oshawa.

I mailed a Christmas present to my favorite band. I do hope they haven't read it yet.

I found a present for Katherine and Victoria, which I'm not going to mention in here in case Mariko gives them this addy. Unlikely.

I figured out what's happening next in Shanty, even if only three people are reading it.

My pants fit. Length-wise. At last. And I've gotten the hemming down to an hour per leg.

My mother is speaking to me again.

Christmas is coming. Even if it did rain and melt all the snow today.

Whew.